yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
