i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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