I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
