I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
