put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
