1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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