do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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