I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
