new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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