Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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