We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
