Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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