Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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