Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
