I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
