Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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