even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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