My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
