Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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