he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
