Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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