where's my purse there's an important taco in it
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
