I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
