Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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