theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
