I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
