there's paper in my vomit.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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