Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
