but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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