I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
