Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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