His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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