im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize