You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
