New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
