I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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