I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
