i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
