The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
