you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
