I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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