you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
