Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
