what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
