YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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