loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
