I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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