I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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