made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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