i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
