Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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