Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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