im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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