Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
