ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
