if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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