I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
