no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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