I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
