I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
