I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila