shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dignity is for republicans.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
