Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
