Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize