Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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