You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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