I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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