So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
