i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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