omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
