I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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